rants
Friday, February 23, 2007
i can't say i am despondent nor disappointed over not being in the format drill team, because i never loved drills, and i will. but i do regret not doing my drills properly today. today ruined everything. or did it start right from sec 1? if i was cleverer, if i was less defiant, i might not be as pathetic as i am now. i can't wait to get out of gb. but this desire is blocked by the more rational desire of getting 2 points deduction. i know i must act, but true emotions are found out so easily. is my acting lousy, or am i just tired of acting? i hate acting.
am i wrong to do things against my wishes, conforming to what is perceived as the correct thing to do? but that is the way to survive in this world, isn't it? to follow the crowd. should i have stuck to my guns, what i believe in and not back down? that would only be labelled as stubborn behaviour. if i had my own way, i would not have listened to mr ____ and stayed on in gb, i would have joined the choir, or sth else. but i guess fate works in a mysterious way. a mistake made in my earlier secondary school life got me punished like this. its a cycle, as mrs lim would have said. what you do, comes back to you.
i really hate gb. its like a black mark of my sec school memories. but i realise too, that it was partly my fault that i ended up like this. i should have started acting, right from the start.
I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. i hate crying when doing drills. i hate not being happy. but i hate failure even more.
when we were punished to run rounds, i actually felt relieved. though i get all sticky and breathless, its like all my displeasure was frustrated.
i so look forward to tml. i hope it'd cheer me up. i know everything is my fault, and i can blame no one else but me. but does it have to be this way all the time? i don't want to carry my burden alone, suffer alone. i've always been alone. what can i do to be liked by people? i want to be a best friend.
♥ i wrote about my beautiful day at 8:06 PM!
long winded essays xD
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